Four Short Crushes

(an oldie but a goodie)

Relationships require a lot of hard work and sexual compromise. It's best to weed out the doomed ones from the get go:

1. I'm sitting at my laptop in the coffee shop and hear your voice, it's honey smooth with a drawl, like you've stepped right out of a John Grisham novel. Your dark eyes meet mine and we start to chat.

A lawyer? Did you know my uncle graduated from Tulane Law? You, too? How funny, I can't believe I was so dead on.

You do look like a young lawyer... I bet you shop at Brooks Brothers. I'd love to wear your crisp and cool Brooks Brothers shirt while we drink coffee after hot morning sex. Or your tie after you get home from a long day of work.

We keep chatting and you teach me a game.

I don't care about this game.

I'm thinking about the sweet and dirty things you could say to me with that accent of yours.

I'm thinking about not minding that you prefer sweet and traditional 10-position sex.

I'm thinking about vacationing in Savannah, persuading you to get down under a tree in the early evening in Forsyth Park. You pressing my back into the bark.

I'm thinking about meeting your parents over sweet tea. We buy an apartment together and make sweet, sweet missionary love on the floor (we don't have any furniture yet) all night long. Maybe we'll get a Golden Retriever.

Conversation keeps meandering. So what were you doing here? Drafting an e-mail to break up with your long-distance girlfriend?

(length of crush: 25 minutes)

2. I see you from behind in Barnes and Noble.

You're built like an Adonis: tall, lean build, tanned olive skin with dark hair, broad shoulders.

We could wax literature over dinner then, oh!, you would take control in bed! Maybe a little too much control? Pull my hair, don't tear it out.So forceful! So strong! And yet, so intellectual!

I can't believe I'd see someone like you here! Walking right to the contemporary fiction sectio...oh, Muscle magazine.

(length of crush: 15 seconds)

3. I felt you before I saw you, like a breeze. You smell so amazingly clean!

You entered the elevator, just a floor above me! How could I never have noticed you before? Arty, older, and a bit scruffy... an art director perhaps? Maybe you're 30?

Your hand comes to within inches of my stomach to push the button for the next floor - your hand, your arms; they're tan, big and uncalloused.

My mind instantly wanders to us, writhing around in the sheets.

Wait no, in your office... your strong arms wrapped around my waist. Maybe there are grease pencils and mock ups that we've shoved to the floor in the throes of our passion. Maybe I've worn a slim fitting pencil skirt and silky, blousy button down. But let's keep an eye out for those grease pencils, I like this skirt.

You're reaching again now! Are you going to make a move? No. You reach beyond me. You've pressed the wrong floor? The wrong floor, again?

What the fuck, buddy, is this your first time on the elevator? This isn't a ride! Now I'm running late for a meeting. I think I hate you, idiot.

(length of crush: 45 seconds)

4. You've been smiling at me for awhile, guy at Castaways. You are J Crew charming and cute. I bet you'd be fun in bed.

You're buying us another round? How generous! You went to IU? These girls went to IU! I used to party there all the time!! Another hilarious joke, you're so hilarious! You keep picking me up! I love that!!

I don't usually meet people I like at bars - bar relationships usually only end up resulting in a drunken finger bang or, if you're lucky, an HJ. But you seem diff... Hey! Is your hand on my cousin's boob?!

(length of crush: on and off for 13 minutes)