On Bread and Other Offensive Carbohydrates

As those who share my disgust and prejudice towards fat people may understand, watching someone lose total self-control while shoveling food in their face is almost as degrading as shoveling it in our own.

Living in the Midwest, plenty of thunderous, massive bodies accost our eyes daily; tightly packed into a pair of khaki shorts, back-fat-wings shimmying their way out of ruffled tops two sizes too hopeful. We see them in cafeterias, restaurants, on sidewalks and on television, imagining them in their motor homes or two-flats or luxury condos gorging themselves on the enemy of their insulin, their waistline, and their scales.

Perhaps the crux of food embarrassing to watch these people eat is bread: crumby toast, flaky pastries, white sandwich bread (mostly on principle), tough restaurant rolls… this list goes on and on.While the subject of toast and the horse-mouth wrap method used to eat it is oft discussed (kk) - the unflattering peel of the lips, thrust forward of the teeth and chin, the chomping of white, wheat or rye slathered in reconstituted cow mucus (to call this sickening or unappetizing is a gross understatement) - the fact of the matter is that offences enacted on other breads are often overlooked:The lips-on-toast method is often applied to eating danishes and other pastries. You see their face lit with orgiastic pleasure; shards of sugary flake spilling out of the corner of their open, grinning mouths, over their swollen stomachs, landing on ample, cellulite-ridden thighs, tonguing and mouthing their fingers to siphon the last filthy morsel. This buttery, flaky treat offering the only escape from an otherwise joyless existence.In physical act of eating, white bread is the least of the offenders, but about as satiating and nourishing as the paste these plebeians were eating in kindergarten. Additionally, it's been scientifically proven that people who regularly eat plain white bread are more likely to lead miserable, unprodutive lives (and less likely to go to college). That's just what I've heard... makes sense to me.

The last offender I'll speak on is the ubiquitous restaurant roll, the most public of eating spectacles. See a couple on a date at a nice restaurant, enjoying each other's company, when one of them loses it: They reach for the tough restaurant rolls, slop it in olive oil or slather it in butter, and, like the hulking beast they are, grit their teeth and tear with a violent need. Their true form revealed: their inner fatty exposed, just waiting to get into a sedentary relationship, the attraction instantly ended.

Pity, my friends, pity those who lack the self-control, the self-respect, the self-discipline to nurture their bodies with the foods of more dignified gods. Pity and judge them with the hope that one day we can all be spared the embarrassment.